Going on a Journey

Hello Friends.

I am a self-proclaimed "Closet Christian."  I was born and raised in the Catholic Christian faith and since then have had many trials and tribulations causing me to question my religion and my faith.  Also, as I became more and more intellectually stimulated, it just made sense for me to believe in things that were scientifically proven, or that logically made sense. That steered me toward a path less faithful.

Along my journey, my path merged with another when I met a man who, for a lack of better words, swept me off my feet.  We continued on our journey together and a together created a son. That's when everything changed.  I was now responsible for the upbringing of another human being.  As a social creature, I knew that people aren't meant to do this alone and I had support from my husband and family members, but I was missing that one key person: my mother.  My mother died from stomach cancer when I was 19.  I did the best I could to support my child, but it was hard without motherly guidance from her.

I decided to try to reconnect with faith.  Faith in something bigger than me, bigger than my relationships, bigger than my family, bigger than my life.  I was now at a crossroads.  I wanted to believe.  I wanted to have faith.  But faith in what?  What god out there made sense to me?  What spirit or entity would bring me true inner peace?  I returned to the Catholic church.  The rituals, prayers, the guilt of the sinner - it all came back to me.  I found some comfort just being in church. But now as an adult, I felt, well, just going through the motions.  It was no longer for me.  I didn't see it as a path for my children either.  Then, through friends, we found a new church to try.  (My husband was with me in wanting to find a faith place to call home.)  We went to our first New Hope worship experience.

I must say that I was a little hesitant at first.  From all I heard about this church led me to be a skeptic: "It's a cult." "It's full of Holy Rollers." "Jesus freaks." I didn't want to be one of "those". Regardless, we attended. There was a lot of music (like). A number of people were lifting their hands in prayer while singing. (Not so sure about that.) I guess maybe I was tainted with the negativity of overzealous religious organizations. Pushing their beliefs on to you. Preaching as if the world would end tomorrow.

But, surprisingly, it was
mellow and the pastor was very welcoming and down to earth. He was the very reason we decided to stay a while with this church. As the children grew and the second and third little blessings came along, we grew also with the church and became members.  And that brings us to today.

Yes, I'm a Christian.  Yes, I'm beginning to like listening to Christian music.  Yes, I bought my first bible. No, I'm not about to call myself a Jesus Freak.  I am still coming to terms with my love for Christ and with the "giving up" my life for him, so to speak.  Maybe it's a control issue (which as a mother, wife, and teacher, I know I have). Maybe it's fear of the unknown. Maybe it's all of that or none of it.

This is what my blog is all about. I'm not sure where this journey will take me but you're welcome to come along for the ride.  Perhaps you are a Closet Christian like myself.  Ready to learn, ready to be faithful, ready to love Jesus and our Lord God.  But not ready to share it with the world.

Let's just see here this will take us.  God bless.

-jt-